What would you do if I was your boss and I told you that we were moving your desk...next to the toilet?  That's what happened to me during during my tenure with FOX News Channel.  Sort of.

Allow me to preface this entry with a few answers to questions I am commonly asked:

- Not everyone at FOX News is a right-wing nut.

- For the most part I enjoyed the time I worked there.

- The bathroom incident wasn't the only reason I decided to leave, but was definitely a factor

- Bill O'Reilly is monstrously tall

Ok, on with story.  

The day started just like any other. I navigated my way past the smokers and proceeded through the revolving door at 1211 Avenue of the Americas.  I touched down my ID and the glass security doors parted.  I journeyed upstairs and walked down the long corridor that I traversed several times a day.

But this time, something was different.  A door was ajar.

Not just any door, but one of those that I had passed a million times before and never questioned.  Maybe, because it was always shut.  Or maybe I was too busy worrying about elections, political conspiracies, and other things I frankly couldn't give a crap about.   The reality is, early on,  I probably sized the door up as a generic utility closet housing cable wires and electrical circuits.

The last thing I expected to find in the middle of our floor in the middle of a corporate building was...a secret apartment.  That's right friends, someone was calling my workplace home.

Please note, the following details are all secondhand and I have no confirmation.  

Supposedly, a high-ranking FNC executive, maybe even the man that runs the show, had arranged for a "building manager-type" to live in that space.  I don't know how long this dude was living there, or how he listed his address on magazine subscriptions, but I do know the whole thing blew up in his face after he allegedly brought woman employees back to his corporate pad.  One of them blew the whistle and the apartment was quickly dismantled.  I mean fast.

True, we were running out of office space.  However, they had my department working out of "the apartment" within a week.  In fact, no one would ever guess that this room was once a place where a man cooked eggs, had sex and laid his head at night.  

There was one problem though: FOX refused to remove the toilet.  And that's where yours truly was stuck working.

The bedroom became my supervisor's office, complete with a closet and hanging mirror on the back of the door.  The living area (which housed a makeshift kitchen) was divided between myself and three co-workers.  It wasn't the tightest working quarters ever, but it sure was awkward.  Maybe because we all knew what it once was.  Maybe because there were no windows.  Or maybe, because the toilet reeked.

When we first made the move, I was given "first choice" on where I wanted to sit.  In what I thought was a slick decision, I chose the wall that hid my computer monitor from prying eyes.  You see, since this was an apartment, there was a tiny foyer upon entering and I would see people coming in before they saw me (or my screen).  

The move backfired.

Even though FOX locked up the bathroom and would not allow anyone access to it, rusty pipes caused the thing to smell bad.  Really bad.  The upshot was, they were too cheap or scared to remove the plumbing (or maybe they were looking for a new renter).  So, what ended up happening was a building services person had to come in daily to flush the darn thing.

Remember the long corridor I mentioned earlier?  This was a hot spot for pointless cell phone conversations and employee gossip.  Since no one ever considered that there were people working in the apartment (heck, they didn't even know it was there - so it's not their fault) they carried on as if it were - well - a hallway!  And so, in addition to every other inconvenience, we now had to listen to the sounds of a flushing toilet interspersed with idle and inane chit chat.

Eventually, the rumor mill cranked into overdrive.

Where'd that new room come from?

Everyone ended up finding out some version of the story, and subsequently, our department became the butt (no pun intended) of many, many jokes.  That did wonders for morale.

Long story short, only one of the original "apartment" employees is still working for FOX News.  I'm not sure if this story comes across as funny or just plain weird, but one thing is for sure: it demoralized us - and sent good employees heading for the hills.  Take note, managers of the world.

I ask that all employers and all bosses think twice before forcing workers into uncomfortable working conditions.  There were some bumps in the road when I worked at FOX.  But nothing stunk as bad as having to work next to the toilet.  I should have written my two weeks notice on a piece of toilet paper and maybe they would have gotten the hint.  The good news is, a) it's a fun story to tell b) shows you show shitty employers can be and c) gives me better perspective on current and future workspaces.

Next time you think your work location is bad, flush those feelings away and think about working next to a toilet.  I promise things will start to look up.

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