One of the greatest things about writing the Jobacle blog and cranking out episodes of the critically-acclaimed Working Podcast, are YOUR e-mails.  From the humorous to the downright scary, you guys always keep me on my toes with the messages you send in.  Today I want to share an anonymous e-mail that was sent in from an employee at Sage Software.  We here at Jobacle can't vouch for the authenticity of the document below but have no reason to doubt it either.
 
First you'll read some facts, then an internal memo, and then an employee's suggestion.  Again, everything after this sentence was sent in by a reader...

Mr. Ron Verni's compensation:

ANNUAL COMPENSATION*
Salary $693,000
Bonus $744,000
Total Annual Compensation $1,437,000
STOCK OPTIONS*
Exercisable Options Amount 658,842
Exercisable Options Value $824,213
Unexercisable Options Amount 512,195
Unexercisable Options Value $451,055
Total Options Value $1,275,268
Total Options Amount $1,171,037
TOTAL COMPENSATION*
Total Cash Compensation $1,437,000
Total Annual Compensation $1,437,000
Total Compensation $1,443,000

Mr. Verni's latest email:

Most of you are already aware that the company has been working very hard to achieve our revenue and profit goals for Fiscal Year 2007 (FY07). In fact, many of you have felt the impact of closely watching expenses related to hiring, travel, and training. I appreciate all the steps that each of you are taking day in and day out.

I’ve had some feedback and questions over the last few weeks about our results announcement and our continued focus on driving revenue and saving additional expenses.

First, let me state clearly and unequivocally that Sage Software continues to grow and is profitable. That has never been in question. The objectives we are striving to meet are the financial goals we set for ourselves and which are the basis of the Sage Incentive Plan.

Last month, Sage’s results announcement demonstrated that our overall growth has been very good. That growth takes into account the acquisition revenues we’ve added this year by acquiring the Healthcare division and from our previous acquisition of the Payments Solutions division.

However, the measure we always use internally is our organic revenue growth, which measures how much our existing businesses are growing, and does not include the revenue from the acquisitions of the Healthcare or Payment Solutions divisions. And the difference between our overall and organic growth rates has created confusion, because the results announcement talks about the great overall growth of the business, but the part that we’re concerned about in terms of our internal performance is the organic growth.

We use organic growth as our internal yardstick because that is what our performance and spending plans are built upon each year. The logic is that you can never really plan for an acquisition to happen, and when it does, we will have paid for the acquisition growth in the acquisition price paid. So, it was not earned through our own internal actions and, therefore, not counted towards our internal results. Now, next year both the Healthcare and Payments divisions can be counted toward our organic growth, as we will have owned them for more than a year and, thus, will have driven their growth.

In other words, when we acquire a business, we grow by the simple action of paying for it and making it ours. When we develop our existing business, we grow organically – by our own hard work. We make that organic growth even stronger when we keep our costs in close check, ensuring we maintain strong profitability.

This year, our acquisition growth rate is terrific, but our organic growth is somewhat less than we had expected. Because of that, to meet our financial goals for FY07, we’re looking for ways cut expenses.

Our fiscal year-end on September 30 is within sight and this is the time of year when I typically communicate a call to action reminding everyone to focus on accomplishing our goals for the year. Please examine your work and your plans for the rest of the fiscal year. If you see something you think can generate savings, please tell your manager. It doesn’t have to be a huge savings. As the saying goes, every little bit helps. Those small savings really do add up!

Along with that, do everything you can to generate revenue for the company. For those of you whose regular job does not include selling our products, don’t forget about the Sage Software Ambassador program, designed to help you tell friends and acquaintances about our products and to reward you for those contacts that result in sales.

And, of course, I’m always interested in hearing whatever additional ideas you might have.

I thank you for your concern and attention to this and for your efforts to help make Sage Software the great company we all know it can be.

Best regards,
Ron
E-mail address removed

My Comments:  Maybe he can cut $744K out of the expenses by giving up his own bonus.

Once upon a time, license plates were used simply for identification purposes. A numeric or alphanumeric code uniquely identified your vehicle within the issuing region's database.

Now I feel like license plates have to tell your whole life story: what team you root for, what county you live in, how you feel about abortion and so on.  They've become harder and harder to read as more colors and holograms and logos are added - defeating their entire purpose.

One aspect that I feel has grown in volume are the license plate abbreviations that indicate your profession.  We all know about the highly coveted "MD" plates.  But aside from getting folks a prime parking spot before tee time, I don't really understand the importance.  Maybe in an extreme emergency I can see you flagging down a member of the "emergency services." However, what are the odds that you'll notice the tiny letters on the back of  someone's car when you're under duress?

I don't know about your neck of the woods, but in some states, ham radio operators qualify under "emergency services." Hey, you never know if you'll end up like the cast of LOST one day driving along the Long Island Expressway.

The whole point of this post is that I don't understand why people feel the need to announce their profession on a license plate.  Please, enlighten me!  Is it a public service or all ego?

POWs - I guess you've earned it, but why tell the world?

Chiropractors - Are you going to help my vertebral subluxation at the next red light?  I doubt it.

Registered Architect - Unless you're building me a bridge getting me out of this traffic, I could care less about what you do.

Here's the full list of occupational plates in NY.  As long as you are licensed and fork over $43, you can tell the whole world what you do for work.

Acupuncturist- ACU
Certified Public Accountant - CPA
Chiropractor - DC or DCH
Dentist - DDS or DMD
Hypnotherapist - HT
Medical Doctor - MD
NYP - New York Press
Optometrist - OD
Pharmacist - RX
Physiotherapist - PT
Podiatrist - DPM
Professional Engineer - PE
Psychologist - PSY
Registered Architect - AR
Registered Nurse - RN
Registered Phisician's Assistant - RPA
Veterinarian - VM
Visiting Nurse - VN

Am I the only one who feels this way?  Feel free to speak your mind in the comments section below.  In the meantime, I'm going to start a petition to add BLOG on my license plate.  You never know when you'll need an emergency posting!

How far you will go in the business world moves far beyond how much experience and education you've acquired.  The Jobacle Forward of the Week reviews five lessons that will not only help your career - but will help you be a better human being.

Lesson One:  "Know The Cleaning Lady"

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

Lesson Two:  "Pickup In The Rain"

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.

A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home.

A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

Lesson Three:  "Remember Those Who Serve"

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "50¢," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "35¢!" she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.

When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

Lesson Four:  "The Obstacles In Our Path"

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand - "Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition."

Lesson Five:  "Giving When It Counts"

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her."

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

We've already explained how the workplace is afflicted with Parkinson's Law.  So since we'll never beat the people dragging their feet at every turn, let's join 'em.  Since I work with the da Vinci of time wasters, I've been tracking his every move and am dishing out his secrets.

Since I don't want to name this employee, let's call him Chatter.  He's a master of doing the minimum while attempting to look like he's busy as a bee.  He's productive - at watching time pass. Here's what I've observed.

Eat, All Day Long
I swear that this dude eats all three of his meals at his desk.  At 9am it's the cereal.  At 12pm it's something with garlic.  At 4pm it's more stuff with garlic.  No matter what time you approach his desk, he's chewing.  The brilliance in his plan are the small elements that make up each meal.  Let's take the steps included with breakfast for instance.

- Get bowl and spoon from lounge
- Walk to back of building to get milk
- Bring milk to desk
- Study which cereal to eat
- Pour milk
- Return milk to fridge   
- Eat cerael

Chatter manages to add extra steps to everything he does.  And seconds equal minutes which equal hours, etc.

Whenever you approach his desk, you feel badly that you are interrupting his meal.  After all, he's so busy with so many concurrent projects that the poor guy has to eat at his desk!  People will either leave him alone or he tells them he'll get back to them in a few minutes.

Bathroom Breaks
I've seen many people get reprimanded throughout my career, yet I can't recall a single soul getting an earful for spending too much time on the office throne.  Chatter is always seen entering with the New York Post or the latest issue of OK! Perfect reading material for a power stall nap.

The good news is that he does wash his hands.  Of course, he lathers them up nice and good and opts for the hand blower.  That's a good two minutes on hand washing alone per trip!

Given that Chatter always has a bottle of water in tow, you can only imagine how many visits he makes a day.

Mr. Messy
There's more then just cereal boxes and bottles of water strewn about on Chatter's desk.  Stacks of magazines, random folders and papers are littered about.  Now you're probably asking where's the time-wasting strategy here?  Ah, it's two-fold, friends.  First, the dude prints out everything.  EVERYTHING.  That alone takes time.  But what really trips up the clock are his weekly cleaning sessions.  Usually on a Friday at about 3pm you will find him sauntering over to the supply closet for Windex.  Who can argue with a guy who wants to keep his desk clean?

Talk It Up
I didn't pull the name "Chatter" out of thin air.  This guy gets involved in every conversation.  The funny part is, he hardly contributes.  He'll stand, arms crossed, standing over someone's cube just nodding.  And he repeats.  And repeats.  I probably should have named him PHILabuster - cause that's what he does at meetings too.  A normal human beings face would turn blue - but not Chatter.  He must be an Olympic swimmer because he never comes up for air.  No one listens and he could care less.  Cause as long as he's talking, the clock continues to tick.  It's amazing how I've seen this guy in a room with 15 other people and no one will shut him up.  Maybe they're just wasting time too.

Standard Stuff
Chatter relies on a lot of the everyday stall tactics too.  Endless Web surfing, plenty of leaving early for doctor's appointments, and asking for as many deadline extensions as the boss will give him.  It's always seemed to me that Chatter is on borrowed time.  And even that he knows how to drag out to a bitter crawl.

I don't know about your neighborhood but mine has been invaded by 99-cent stores.  While I never frequent these fine establishments, this past weekend I was beaten into submission and dragged against my will.  Amongst all of the junk was, well, more junk.  I did, however, manage to pick up a few goodies for the office.  Proof that a few dollars can make work life a bit less miserable.

Extension Cord: Instant relief, yes.  Fire hazard, maybe.  A few extension cords enabled me to reposition my computer, speakers and lamp into ergonomically-friendly territory.

Air Freshener: Little hanging trees aren't just for cars.  Dangling from the back of my chair, I'll now enjoy the scents of an "Ocean Breeze" instead of the usual Eau de Cologne of rust and mold.

Gum: I don't know if a study has ever been done before, but I'm willing to bet this week's paycheck that people with fresh, minty breath will climb the corporate ladder faster then their halitosis-ridden counterparts.  Even if you're not at fault, keep some on your desk and pray that Mister Coffee Breath helps himself.

Thank You Cards: Look past the cheesy floral design and realize that a post-interview thank you note that is hand-written is 10 times more effective than an e-mail and/or typed letter.  And with 10 cards per package, I'm motivated to line up 10 interviews. At worst, I can just thank grandma for that $10 birthday check.

Cup o' Noodles: I'm not a fan of consuming 100% of my daily sodium intake in 12 ounces of "soup."  However, at least once a month there's that rainy day where I'm struggling to stay afloat at work and the last thing I want to do is waste my lunch hour hunting for an ATM machine.  These are staying in my bottom drawer as an emergency option.  

Clorox Wipes: Readers of the blog already know that your cubicle is a germ factory, housing over 20 thousand germs per square inch.  99 cents is a small price to pay to wipe away the remnants of my afternoon snack and avoid an extra cold.

Tissue Box: I put a tissue in my pocket every morning.  And every laundry night, my wife curses the day we wed.  Not because she doesn't love me, but because I ALWAYS leave a tissue in the wash.  Keeping them on my desk should eliminate the problem and help me be a good cubemate.

There are countless other items that can help make your life @ work easier.  Here a few honorable mentions that maybe I'll pick up next time: AA batteries, picture frame, plastic cutlery, set of mechanical pencils and a Kevin Federline CD.

Helpful desk items don't have to be expensive.  If you have any suggestions on items you've purchased on the cheap, please share them in the comments section below.

A beautiful day is any day when you learn something new.

Over  the weekend I learned about Parkinson's Law.  Not as disgustingly evil as the Parkinson's Disease, but pretty darn crappy in its own right.

The risk of having a blog with transparency is that you set yourself up to look like a fool if you mention something that the rest of the world already has knowledge of.  Whatever.

Simply put, Parkinson's Law states the following:

"Work expands to fill the time available."

Don't play dumb with me, cube dweller.  You know exactly what I'm talking about.  Your boss gives you a project with an end date attached.  When do you finish?  Right at the end date.

Sure, maybe some of you newbies or "team players" will get the project in before the deadline, but think about it - you spent plenty of time dragging your feet.  That 60-minute project always turns into the length of time your boss will give you.

I've always proclaimed that the work week could easily be four days a week (or the work day six hours) and no one would miss a beat or lose a dollar.  Good 'ol  C. Northcote Parkinson (the man behind the law)  just strengthened the argument.

Don't confuse P.L. with Student syndrome, a disease that brings procrastination to an art form.  Let's say you have 10 days to complete an assignment.  You'll wait until the 9th day to truly apply yourself.

A key point here is to remember that your boss's job is to keep you busy.  The more employees he/she has - the busier he/she has to keep each of you. Of course, they'll only keep you as busy  as necessary to make themselves look busy.  Thus, there's no escape from Parkinson and his law!

If you're looking for a swift kick in the ass in order to finish that pending project early, refer back to our entry on self-motivation.

The newest edition of the Working Podcast (episode #65) teaches you how to utilize The Five Precepts, the basic foundation of Buddhism, to keep yourself grounded at work. Also, find your place on the Creative Circle of Life.

The show can also be downloaded.

And don't forget to increase your good karma by subscribing!

Let's close out this work week with a job interview that takes awkward to a whole new level.

Today I'm going to start a feature on the blog which I did for a short time on the podcast: The Forward of the Week.  Sometimes annoying, useful and funny (or none of the above), these forwards tend to clog my inbox.  So I figure, hey, why should I suffer alone!?  Sometimes we'll be  saving the life of a burn victim in Somalia, other times reminiscing about the 80s - whatever it is, I can guarantee it's more important that what you're doing at work.

We run a clean ship here in Jobacle Land, so be warned that today's forward contains some foul language and sexual content.

And if you have a forward that you want to share or put up for consideration, keep it to yourself!

The 3-Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.  The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.  When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.  Before she can utter a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.  After a few moments, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she passes the bathroom, her husband yells, "Who was that?"  "It was Bob from next door," she replies.
"Oh," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a nun a lift.  She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.  The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.  The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.  But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.  The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"  The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.  On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It read, 'Go forth and seek further; and ye shall find glory.'

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a profitable opportunity
 
Lesson 3:

A sales rep, administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk.  "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."  Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.  "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."  Puff!  He's gone.

"Okay, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.  The manager immediately replied, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.  A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"  The eagle answered: "Sure, why not. "So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.  All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."  "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull, "They're packed with nutrients. "The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.  Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the very top limb. He was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.  While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.  As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's smart to keep your mouth shut!

I don't know about you, but I play video games (not often) in order to escape reality.  Whether I'm throwing a 90 yard touchdown pass or pulling some dude out of a car and beating him with a baseball bat, there's undoubtedly a vicarious thrill that comes along with gaming.

So, when I first read that NBC had licensed The Office to be made into a video game, I cringed.  You see, I spend enough of my day making copies, avoiding awkward small talk and plodding through the corporate hallways.  If you think I'm going to enter Dunder-Mifflin (and not get paid!) to carry out silly pranks and everyday office duties, you are off base!  Unless I'm bashing Dwight's skull in, I'll pass.

Look, the game might be wildly addictive, but I think these licensing deals have gone far enough.  For those of you looking to "work" after hours, the game will be available for the Nintendo DS, Sony's PSP, and downloadable on PCs this fall.