“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, democracy just doesn’t work”

That is probably one of my all-time favorite Simpson’s quotes. Newscaster Kent Brockman expresses his disgust after Congress rejects a bill to save Springfield from a comet impact after one senator attaches a $30 million rider "to support the perverted arts."

That very line often springs to mind when I’m at work. Usually during a meeting or after reading the 15th reply to a damn near company-wide e-mail regarding some decision that no one can seem make. As much as the line amuses me it is also something that I can’t help but feel is so true and so applicable to today’s workforce.

Now I’m not sure about you, but in the world of media, the democratic process is taken to new heights. Maybe the hipper-than-thou, every-one-counts, way of running a business or conducting a meeting is more intrinsic to my line of work than others, but lately it seems to me that we spend more time dancing in circles and visiting and re-visiting ideas at work than ever before. It hasn’t always been like this and it isn’t only the company I currently work for.

On a day-to-day basis I work with a lot of graphic designers, and producers - a funny title for a group of people that can hardly ever get anything produced. My team conceptualizes an idea, which then gets pitched to the producers and ultimately their bosses. Right from the start the design team struggles with solidifying one great idea. So we go round in circles until we narrow it down to about three. These three then get pitched to the producer who always seems to need to bounce it off of other producers and ultimately one idea gets taken to the bosses whom then ask, “What else do you have?” At that point all three ideas get brought back to the table and we often wind up back at square one, dissecting the pros and cons of all three. Somewhere along the line - usually at the moment a final decision is going to be made - someone else pops up giving his or her two cents and it’s back to the drawing board. We call it 'design by committee."

I’ve dealt with this type of a work environment for six of my 14 working years and I gotta say, it sucks. It is at these moments that Kent’s words come to mind; democracy just doesn’t work. Not in this case anyway. I understand we live in super hip times and EVERYBODY’S opinion matters. My blogging alone can testify to that. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to live in a land where we put things to a vote, ( I can at least feel like I have a voice), and the ideas of others are taken into consideration before final decisions are made. But I must ask, do you think that maybe, just maybe, this might not be the best solution to EVERY process?

The way I see it, there should be someone at the helm steering the ship. Perhaps the producer would be best qualified. Someone that has worked their way up the ranks, that has enough understanding of the project at hand, and has the guts to stop all the counter-productive meetings and stand up to tell the team, 'like it or not this is the way we are going because that is what I believe is best.'  Period.  No more questions.  I’m almost certain that this is how the most successful companies are run, but I cannot say for certain.   

I admit a lot of this was written out of personal frustration at my own job, but am I alone here? Do most people like the democratic process controlling everything that happens in the workplace? Or has this trend only made its way into the world of media? If so, let me know. But it seems to be a new-agey trend. Sort of like the, everybody gets a trophy. It hardly makes climbing the ladders seem worth it anymore. It used to be good to be the King or Queen. Now, what’s the point? If the pawn gets just as much say because we feel the need to validate them being at the meeting in the first place then what’s the point in striving to become more (other than the paycheck)? To me, this seems like a time consuming trend that brings forth a lot of mediocre work and needs to be stopped, but hey, lets put it to a vote. Who’s with me?

 

He got his start laying pipe for the Atlas Water and Sewer company.  Eventually, he climbed the ranks, becoming responsible for a staff of 800 and annual revenue exceeding $120 million. His name is Victor Kipling. This is his weekly column. 

If Halloween doesn't give you the creeps anymore, well then maybe you ought to think again. True, it's cool outside and leafless trees stab at night skies. And the usual slash-mouthed jack-o-lanterns seem to leer at you as they blink from behind darkened windows. Movie monsters like Michael Meyers, Jason and Freddy re-emerge for the annual TV horrorthons. Weilding bloody axes and knives, we mistakenly call them 'psychopaths.' If only it was that simple...

Most of all, Halloween is all about masks; masks and disguises. And while we find this a bit of harmless fun once a year,  the fact is that, hey, it's really Halloween at the office every day!  Because many of our co-workers, and bosses, wear masks all of the time. Some are so adept, that they have a different mask for each occasion. And, unless we get smart enough to peek behind this facade to learn who we are dealing with,  we can be suckered, fooled and even find that a promising career is nothing more than smoking rubble of what might have been.

True, work is also very much like being at a costume party, but  without the fun. There are all the standard types in attendance;  the bitter old-timer, the overly ambitious young hateful, the slut and the snob, the barking assistant manager, an array of flunkies. And, while the list goes on and on, there are also some decent people sprinkled into the mix. But it's not any of these types that you need to worry about.

The most dangerous enemy you have at the office is the psychopath. So no, this isn't your garden variety of serial killer.But rather someone who, via a variety of disguises and minimal talent or ability,  gets to move up the organizational food chain by lying, backstabbing and in general climbing over everyone else. The psychopath has no conscience, and so is capable-and more than willing-to do whatever it takes to satisfy his (or her) predatory appetites.  And, unless you know what to look for, you may well end up being the psychopaths,well, lunch.

The difficulty here lies in being able to detect and identify who, among the mix of people you interact with at the office every day, these masters of deception are.  Though they always want to remain well hidden, behind what some have called a 'mask of sanity,' the fact is that they are identifiable. Here's six main clues in finding out who these creeps really are:

1. Overly charming, glib and manipulative
2. Bloated sense of self worth
3. Lacks sympathy and empathy for others
4. Refuses responsibility for failures and mistakes
5. Lies and deceives to obtain goals
6. Acts impulsively (drama queen)

Ah, you may well now be thinking that hmm, this just about describes every successful politician and corporate VIP out there. But this isn't about them; it's about you. Because once you know psychopaths for what they are, the decision to fight, flee or freeze will be entirely up to you.

It never ceases to amaze me how many adults still look forward to getting all dressed up in a Halloween costume to wear to work. Call me a stick in the mud, but other than a costume party Halloween is a holiday for the children. In fact I stopped trick-or-treating long before many of my peers did; I was 12 the last time I participated in knocking on people's doors to ask for candy. No one forced me to stop. I guess I just lost interest. But another Halloween is upon us and while my wife takes the kids around the neighborhood I'll stay home and hand out the candy. I think maybe this year when a child at my door asks 'trick-or-treat' I'll go with the trick. See if these kids have anything planned. After all, why should candy be an automatic? You gave me the option. If you're unprepared don't dare say, "treat please."

This blog, however, is not about how the Grinch Stole Halloween. No, I’m more interested in Halloween in the workplace. I so look forward to coming in and seeing who had the guts to get all dressed up that morning. I would imagine there must be thoughts like I hope I’m not the only one going through one's mind as they commit to spending the day in full regalia. My favorite is the office tease. The one that uses the holiday to come to work dressed like a slut. Ya know; dressed as a French maid, a nurse, or a mistress of the dark. I imagine them planning it for months, starving themselves weeks prior, and waking up at 4 am to get everything just right. They often proceed to go to all the men in the office offering up a little spin and asking how they look. Maybe you’ve not had the pleasure of working with one of these gals, but it is always a treat, let me tell you.

The other type I wait for is the person that takes it to the Nth degree. The guy that shows up looking like he could be the lead in the next John Carpenter movie. I work with a guy that showed up as a zombie Krispy Kreme deliveryman last year. He had the uniform, a slit neck, and his whole face painted green. This seemed (and I could be wrong) especially awkward after nobody, and I mean nobody else in the company (of over 100) , showed up donning a costume. I swear all the makeup in the world couldn’t hide the hint of shame each time he walked into an office, hallway, or kitchen of people dressed like it was any other day. They too seemed to feel embarrassed for him. There was always the, oh… hey…. cool… um… costume… comment to end the uncomfortable-ness. Of course the day came and went, and in the grand scheme of things, it really made no difference in his life and had no lasting ill effects.  With Halloween only hours away,  I am curious to see if he decides to stick to his guns and go all out again.  Maybe he'll wise up and just leave dressing up to the children.

There's an expression that has always been around, but recently, it's been inescapable:

"Find your inner- _______." 

For example, if I was suffering from serious writer's block, a buddy might lean in and whisper, "Hey Andrew, just find your inner-blogger." Or if one of the Iron Chefs is stumped on what to do with octopus eyes, the Chairman might offer the following advice, "Find your inner-chef."

Well here we are, at the beginning of another "full" work week. No holidays, no planned days off for my boss and nothing but a series of mind-numbing meetings ahead.  Let's welcome a special guest to the Jobacle blog, Donald Trump.  He's here (in spirit) with some helpful quotes to challenge you to find your inner-ANYTHING.

Trump Quote:  "Deals are my art form.  Other people paint beautifully on canvas or write wonderful poetry. I like making big deals...That's how I get my kicks."

How do you get your kicks?  Before you can find your dream job, you must figure out what fills your soul with joy - then work your ass off to build it into your career.  If you don't know
what your inner-________ is, how can you tap into it?  The answer is not in Nostradamus' lost book.  Find it in yourself.

Trump Quote: "Don't be afraid of being unique.  It's like being afraid of your best self."

Your inner-_________ can be anything, and you shouldn't be afraid to shout it from the rooftops. One of the biggest problems I have with corporate America (especially when you're mid-career) is people's inability to think outside the box and take meaningful risks.  Sure, it's important to employ tried and true measures to achieve success.  However, when you refuse to get creative, it's likely that you're aiming to break a ceiling that should be sitting much higher.

Trump Quote: "Nobody but a total masochist wants to be criticized."

Even at your very best, your inner-________ is a shoo-in for criticism.  It's never fun.  You must consider the source and motive before you let it impact your world. Never let it stop
you in your tracks.  If it takes some wind out of your sails, plug in a another fan!  Perseverance could be half the battle.

Trump Quote: "I try to learn from the past, but I plan for the future by focusing exclusively on the present.  That's where the fun is."

The self-help/career aisle at Barnes & Noble continues to grow. While there are a few helpful books out there, the majority of them are simply not necessary.  There are 1,000 exercises and "worksheets" that promise to help you find out what you really want, aka, your inner-_________.  In my opinion, you don't need a single one, because the answer is only available in one place: your heart.  Will you listen?

Get a blank piece of paper and a pen and answer these famous "current events" questions (just like sixth grade!).

WHO: If you can't answer this one,  the easiest of the bunch, then there really is no hope.  In fact, shut your computer and please never come back to Jobacle.com.

WHAT: What you genuinely enjoy doing. Not necessarily what you know how to do.

WHERE: The place you'd like to work/geographic location.

WHEN: Your time table to bring your inner-________ to life.  

HOW: This is the toughest question.  You must put together a brief timeline of dots, and then figure out how to connect them.

WHY: Your motivation for finding your inner-______.

You must be able to answer all of the questions above to get started on the path of your dreams.  Here's mine:

WHO: Andrew G.R.

WHAT: New Media. Blogging. Podcasting. I love being creative and seeing projects through from beginning to end.  If my regular gig won’t allow me to fill this void, I will find a way to make it happen myself.

WHERE: Suburbs of New York, within 30 miles of home.

WHEN: The plan starts immediately.  I will start slow, working on Jobacle at night and on weekends, gradually increasing my hours until I can commit to working on it full-time.  My goal is to have this happen within five years.

HOW: Treat my inner-blogger/podcaster as an employee.  It's a real job that I was flex the same dedicated-muscle I would to any "real" job.

WHY: After years and years of work at different organizations in different fields I've come to the conclusion that my values simply don't match up with most organization's agendas.  Also, I would like my dedication and passion to make me money - not some corrupt fat cat.

Even if Jobacle never turns into a full-blown company, I starting it has been one of the best things I've ever done for myself - and that alone has made it worth it.  I've found my inner-_______ and a genuinely hope you do the same.  Now I have to make sure I hold onto it!

Why not take the challenge above and leave YOUR "current events" in the comments section below?

Love 'em or hate 'em, e-mail forwards flood our inbox on a daily basis.  You know our rule: if we suffer you suffer.  So here is the Forward of the Week...

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 5 year old again.

* I want to go to McDonald's and think that it is a four star restaurant.

* I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples in a pond with rocks.

* I want to think M&M's are better than money because you can eat them.

* I want to lie under a big oak tree and watch the ants march up its trunk.

* I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

* I want to go fishing and care more about catching the minnows along the shore than the big bass in the lake.

* I want to think the world is fair.

* I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all I knew about were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes. When I didn't know what I know now. When all I knew was to be happy because I was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me worried.

* I want to think that a quarter is worth more than a dollar bill because it is prettier and weighs more.

* I want to think that everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.

* I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things in life again.

* I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, dreams, the imagination, the Tooth Fairy, a kiss that makes a boo-boo go away, making angels in the snow, and that my dad and G-d are the strongest people in the world.

So...here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit cards and the bills, my 401K statements, my stocks and bonds, my collections, my insurance premiums, my job, my house and the payments, my e-mail address, pager, cell phone, computer, and watch. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this with me further, you'll have to catch me cause...tag! You're it!

This could be painful for some of you, but I'd like to ask you to think back to grade school.  Think about most of the teachers and how they would single out one kid behaving badly and then threaten to punish the entire class.  Unfortunately, this is a poor practice that is running rampant at the workplace. Whether it's a product of fear or laziness - I don't know.  But what I do know, as one of the "good" kids, it sucks to be punished for the actions of others.

What ever happened to the merit system?

They tell us it still exists but I happen to think that's a bunch of bullsh**.

Ten vacation days. Five sick days. And the same lousy rules for everyone.

Why are we all treated as equals when clearly some of us have earned more than others.

Don't get me wrong.  The office is also afflicted with a serious case of self-entitlementitis. However, there's a difference between those who EARN and those who feel they DESERVE.

THE EXCUSE: "If I do it for you, I have to do it for everyone."

So not true.

I'll never forget when a former boss of mine expressed zero sympathy when I was going through a brief personal experience.  As someone who worked hard under this individual's tutelage, and had been a loyal soldier, I was very surprised when this "goody-two shoes" had to "stick to the rules."   Forget being flexible - how about being human!?

I'm not crying for corporate anarchy; I understand that there HAS to be rules and they HAVE to be enforced.  However, employers need to start understanding that when they punish good workers, they are only cutting their nose to spite their face.  Just ask Eric.

At my current gig, we are constantly being threatened (all of us, as a group) that our hours will be permanently changed if people continue to roll in late.  Of course, the ones who are late are the usual suspects.  Why not single them out and punish them on an individual basis?  Employers are running scared and that's just sad. You should be hired, promoted and compensated based on your actions and accomplishments - nothing more, nothing less.

As far as self-entitlement goes, I truly believe we are all guilty at some point.. especially at work.  Here are some warning signs to determine if you're guilty.  If you say or think:

"Everybody else is..."
"They all have..."
"If you really loved me..."
"It's just my bad luck..."

You always want more.  It's never enough. Well guess what: this is the same mentality of a child who eats every drop of candy (without sharing!) and then becomes sick as a dog.

Here's the cure.  Say to yourself:

"The world owes me nothing, I owe the world."

or

"I deserve success and all of life's good things - and so does everybody else."

If that's "too Buddhist" for you - then let's site a non-spirtual source.  How about Seinfeld's law of "even Steven?"  It's simple: find a dollar on the floor and you're bound to lose a dollar somewhere along the way.  Much of life is a complete wash, so don't get bent out of shape on what you didn't get or what you were passed over for.

A recent example of widespread self-entitlement that I have witnessed has been in the real estate market.  Home prices have dropped across the board.  But guess what: you are NOT owed the old price.  Get over it and flow with the market - you can't control it!

To put it in career terms.  If your new job only gives you 10 vacation days - but your old job gave you 20 - it might be for a reason. Think big picture. This new company doesn't owe you those days just because you had them before.  Nor do they deserve to be punished by you.  For example, slacking off to "get them back" for the days they "robbed" you of.

Nobody likes a victim, especially at work. 

Being a follower of the philosophy of Taoism I find myself returning to the Tao Te Ching time and time again whenever I feel the need to be reminded of a basic set of fundamental rules to guide my life. As basic as these principles are, it is so easy in today’s high-speed culture to lose site of the little things that can add up to so much. Having said that I would like to share with you one of Taoism’s strongest teachings, and one that I find so helpful with regards to my career: Focus on the path and the goal will take care of itself.

Unlike today’s goal-driven society Taoist masters only ever speak of “the Way.” In fact “the Way” is the closest translation we have in the English language to describe Tao. So many of us find ourselves so bogged down and distracted these days (often self inflicted) that we begin to miss the little steps. The ones that often lead to bigger problems. As a result we regroup and try to regain some level of control. What we often do next is try to rectify our shortcomings by coming up with a goal or list of goals in order to maintain focus and  help us keep our eye on the prize. They’re often big ones too; a better job, major weight loss, get out of debt, learn the piano, etc.

While it is sometimes nice to dream about those end results, seldom do they wind up becoming more than dreams. What Taoism suggests is to focus on the path. If you spend your time paying great attention to the task at hand and can manage to always (or as close as you can get to always) stay in the moment you will find that the goals will, in time, begin to take care of themselves. It is much easier to go out to lunch and make sure you only allow yourself to take in X number of calories than it is to constantly think, “what can I eat today that will help me lose 40 lbs.”

Nowhere in my life has this principle helped me more than at work. I know I am forgetting my fundamentals almost as soon as I drift from my path. I learned only over the last couple of years that I need to stay on top of the mundane day-to-day tasks that eventually catch up with me and ultimately cause me more problems then they are worth. The big jobs are no problem. Projects have never been the issue. The paper work, on the other hand, always used to slow me down. Once I started putting this principle into practice I quickly learned that I could be a much more successful and reliable employee.

Sure there are hundreds if not thousands of books out there that will tell you to come up with a clear and detailed list of goals, write ‘em down, and keep ‘em where you’re forced to read them- ya know, to let you know what you haven’t accomplished today. Maybe you’ve even tried the goal method and it works great for you. If so, congrats! However, if you’re like me and so many of us out there that just can’t seem to take the leap toward what can seem like such a massive undertaking, you might want to hop on a path far less daunting and take it one step at a time.

In light of Marie Osmond's fall on Dancing With the Stars, I thought it was a fitting time to revive one of the very first Jobacle blog posts: Fainting at Work - What You Need to Know!

For the second time in my career (lucky me!) a co-worker fainted within 10 feet of me.  I'll be honest.  I heard a thump, looked up, saw nothing - and assumed all was ok.  Two minutes later a secretary noted, "Oh my God, _______'s down."

All kidding aside, I feel like crap for ignoring the thump.  So, if you hear an inexplicable sound - investigate.

Aside from ignoring the poor guy as he lay motionless (it's our understanding that it was a case of extreme exhaustion from overworking), I realize that I hadn't a clue what to do.  Sure, call 9-1-1.  I left that to someone else. Then I bee-lined for the HR office and let them know, figuring someone there would be equipped for this type of situation. They weren't.  Beyond that, I was pretty helpless.  In hindsight, I don't remember a single employer telling me what to do to help a co-worker with a medical need.  The only disease they've ever taught me about is sexual harassment.

So, let's go over some quickie Dos and Don'ts.

- If possible, catch them BEFORE the thump. Signs to look for are sweating, shaking, or looking like a ghost,

- Remember that game "7-Up" from elementary school?  "Heads down, thumbs up."  In this case you want the head of the fainter lower than the heart - and the legs  raised up about a foot.

- You don't have to be Gene Simmons to gag on your own tongue ya know! Turn the person's head to the side so that the tongue doesn't fall back into the throat. 

- Loosen any tight clothing. Today, the poor guy had his tie knotted up to his gills - and we all left it that way.

- Apply (room-temperature) moist towels to the person's face and neck.

- Cover the person in a medium weight blanket or jacket - especially if they are shivering or have bluish lips.

Now for the Don'ts:

- No slapping or shaking!  Save that for when they get a clean bill of health.

- No eating or drinking until you are 100% certain the person is fully conscious.  Even though dehydration/low sugar could be the culprit - you're likely best leaving this step to the pros.

There's plenty more.  Get your First Aid for Fainting here.

I'm not recommending you become a doctor - but you definitely don't want anyone croaking on your watch. The above information is for informational purposes only.  If you want the real hardcore scoop - consult your physician.

The good news is that the next person to faint at my feet has a fighting chance!  But please fellow co-workers - if you must faint - save it for the weekend!

Please subscribe to the blog and Working Podcast  for career advice that is BY workers FOR workers!

 

 

He got his start laying pipe for the Atlas Water and Sewer company.  Eventually, he climbed the ranks, becoming responsible for a staff of 800 and annual revenue exceeding $120 million. His name is Victor Kipling. This is his weekly column.

I confess. I have been sneeringly called ‘Mr. October’ by my baseball buddies. They say that I only care about the final outcome, the proverbial bottom line, and they’re right. Why wouldn’t I want to see the very vetted, the best of the best, compete against each other in the World Series? If this means that I forfeit the privilege of being considered a true-blue, all-American baseball fan, well then the hell with it.  

Now, you may well ask what, if anything at all, has this to do with the Cubicle Continuum? Just consider the Joe Torre story. There’s some mighty meaty stuff to think about here. Stuff that certainly transcends Torre, the New York Yankees, or even baseball in general. Because, in the end, Torre found himself in the kind of situation that all of us may confront, one day. Hopefully, much later rather than sooner…

Just to recap, Joe Torre, after a very long, successful and honorable career as the Yankee manager, was - in essence - fired. Well, actually he wasn’t just terminated. No, he was made an offer, an offer that any self-respecting person, which Joe Torre certainly is, would have to refuse.  

You see, his new contract for next year featured both a pay cut and a deliberately insulting incentive clause. In other words, management (aka The Front Office) wanted to show the fans that this 67-year-old icon needed financial incentives to make him do his job better. It’s sort of like tipping the mail clerk at Christmas time, so he doesn’t ‘lose’ any of your letters…Their ploy worked. Torre predictably rejected the contract, and the team is now free to hire whomever.  

Many people, and not just baseball fans, are really furious about  the lack of both class and loyalty that management showed to its former hero. Yet, others argue that ‘hey; this guy Torre was making seven million bucks a year, and he couldn’t deliver a World Series championship for a long time. That’s a lotta money to pay a failure, a has-been. Ooh, no holiday bonus for the servants at the Torre estate this year’, they mock.

Whether you’re a Torre partisan or simply someone who believes that the Yankees didn’t (or for that matter did) do the right thing, the whole situation is really very universal. Think about it.

Because the reality is that we are, after all, only as good as our latest success. We’ve seen it in movies like Glengarry Glenross. The tired veteran, after many years of honorable service, is deemed by management not to have ‘it’ anymore. And, if lucky, the old timer gets a Timex watch, or some such trinket before being sent into oblivion. On the other hand, what’s a company to do? Retain the old, the weak and the has-beens? Leave them to struggle after successes that will always elude them? Even the most humane of organizations have to face the same dilemma. They need to decide whether to continue cluttering the workscape, or make room for the younger, the stronger, to move up the food chain.

So, the bottom line (or the final score) is that what’s really at play here is corporate Darwinism - in other words, the survival of the fittest. And, while a little sentiment is okay, sentimentality is a sure loser. It’s really about perspective, because after all, while your ass belongs to the company store, your heart and soul had better not. And that holds true whether you’re a Yankee or not. Just ask Mr. Torre.

Today's WorkHack: Use your resume as a tease.

Pretend you're about to go on a blind date. Which woman would you rather date?

Miss A) Slender, brunette, funny, family oriented.

Miss B) 5' 11", dark/curly hair, loves to tell jokes, single mom.

Miss A tells the truth without giving away too may details. On the first date she'll share her real deal, but if she gives away too much early on, she won't even get the date.

You must think of your resume the same way.

The goal is to get you in the door - only then - can you work your magic. Be clear about your experience and background but do not give away too much. If not, you'll end up like Miss B, spending Saturday nights alone teaching yourself to crochet.

Learn more Resume Writing 101 by printing or downloading the document below. While designed for graduating college students, it warrants a read from job seekers of all ages.