What would you do if I was your boss and I told you that we were moving your desk...next to the toilet?  That's what happened to me during during my tenure with FOX News Channel.  Sort of.

Allow me to preface this entry with a few answers to questions I am commonly asked:

- Not everyone at FOX News is a right-wing nut.

- For the most part I enjoyed the time I worked there.

- The bathroom incident wasn't the only reason I decided to leave, but was definitely a factor

- Bill O'Reilly is monstrously tall

Ok, on with story.  

The day started just like any other. I navigated my way past the smokers and proceeded through the revolving door at 1211 Avenue of the Americas.  I touched down my ID and the glass security doors parted.  I journeyed upstairs and walked down the long corridor that I traversed several times a day.

But this time, something was different.  A door was ajar.

Not just any door, but one of those that I had passed a million times before and never questioned.  Maybe, because it was always shut.  Or maybe I was too busy worrying about elections, political conspiracies, and other things I frankly couldn't give a crap about.   The reality is, early on,  I probably sized the door up as a generic utility closet housing cable wires and electrical circuits.

The last thing I expected to find in the middle of our floor in the middle of a corporate building was...a secret apartment.  That's right friends, someone was calling my workplace home.

Please note, the following details are all secondhand and I have no confirmation.  

Supposedly, a high-ranking FNC executive, maybe even the man that runs the show, had arranged for a "building manager-type" to live in that space.  I don't know how long this dude was living there, or how he listed his address on magazine subscriptions, but I do know the whole thing blew up in his face after he allegedly brought woman employees back to his corporate pad.  One of them blew the whistle and the apartment was quickly dismantled.  I mean fast.

True, we were running out of office space.  However, they had my department working out of "the apartment" within a week.  In fact, no one would ever guess that this room was once a place where a man cooked eggs, had sex and laid his head at night.  

There was one problem though: FOX refused to remove the toilet.  And that's where yours truly was stuck working.

The bedroom became my supervisor's office, complete with a closet and hanging mirror on the back of the door.  The living area (which housed a makeshift kitchen) was divided between myself and three co-workers.  It wasn't the tightest working quarters ever, but it sure was awkward.  Maybe because we all knew what it once was.  Maybe because there were no windows.  Or maybe, because the toilet reeked.

When we first made the move, I was given "first choice" on where I wanted to sit.  In what I thought was a slick decision, I chose the wall that hid my computer monitor from prying eyes.  You see, since this was an apartment, there was a tiny foyer upon entering and I would see people coming in before they saw me (or my screen).  

The move backfired.

Even though FOX locked up the bathroom and would not allow anyone access to it, rusty pipes caused the thing to smell bad.  Really bad.  The upshot was, they were too cheap or scared to remove the plumbing (or maybe they were looking for a new renter).  So, what ended up happening was a building services person had to come in daily to flush the darn thing.

Remember the long corridor I mentioned earlier?  This was a hot spot for pointless cell phone conversations and employee gossip.  Since no one ever considered that there were people working in the apartment (heck, they didn't even know it was there - so it's not their fault) they carried on as if it were - well - a hallway!  And so, in addition to every other inconvenience, we now had to listen to the sounds of a flushing toilet interspersed with idle and inane chit chat.

Eventually, the rumor mill cranked into overdrive.

Where'd that new room come from?

Everyone ended up finding out some version of the story, and subsequently, our department became the butt (no pun intended) of many, many jokes.  That did wonders for morale.

Long story short, only one of the original "apartment" employees is still working for FOX News.  I'm not sure if this story comes across as funny or just plain weird, but one thing is for sure: it demoralized us - and sent good employees heading for the hills.  Take note, managers of the world.

I ask that all employers and all bosses think twice before forcing workers into uncomfortable working conditions.  There were some bumps in the road when I worked at FOX.  But nothing stunk as bad as having to work next to the toilet.  I should have written my two weeks notice on a piece of toilet paper and maybe they would have gotten the hint.  The good news is, a) it's a fun story to tell b) shows you show shitty employers can be and c) gives me better perspective on current and future workspaces.

Next time you think your work location is bad, flush those feelings away and think about working next to a toilet.  I promise things will start to look up.

For free career advice that's BS-free and the inside track at America's biggest companies, please subscribe to the Jobacle blog and to the Working Podcast.

Also, leave a comment on this story or link to it and you're automatically entered to win prizes. 

Every Friday I will bring you up to speed on the latest Joabcle happenings.  Fear not, we're not ditching The Forward of the Week.  It will be posted later today.

1) We would like to congratulate Graham Langdon, founder of the MillionDollarWiki, for hitting the 1,000 page mark.  In a few short months that's a very impressive feat.  To learn more about his project, download episode #69 of the Working Podcast.

I purchased the page MillionDollarWiki.com/Podcast which has already received hundreds of unique visitors.  If you are a podcaster who is interested in having your show displayed on the page, please contact me, as I will be subleasing space on the page for $5 per show per month.  You'll get to experience the benefits of the Million Dollar Wiki for a few bucks before you decide to shell out $100. As the MDW grows, this is a great way to get some extra, targeted exposure for your show.

2) This is a great time to subscribe to the Jobacle blog. We've got some great things planned for next week: I'm going to share something about my time working at the FOX News Channel that you have NEVER heard before - and it will shock you!  Also, for those of you who work in a public area or cubicle, we'll pick apart a product that promises to eliminate all that background noise.

3) Our comments contest continues until October 15.  We've definitely seen an increase in the number of comments, however, you still have a VERY GOOD shot at winning.  Walk away with an Old Navy gift card, Virgin Mega Store gift card or a month-long, site-wide banner on Jobacle.com.  This should appeal to our fellow career bloggers because the ad is in a great spot and our traffic continues to rise.   

4) One of our most commonly clicked pages is the "About Us" page. Currently, I have a simple sentence or two about myself.  My question for you is what do you want to know?  Info about me?  My motivation?  I plan on making this page more complete over the next week or two and want your input to help make it happen.  Use our form or e-mail me at jobacle at gmail dot com to let me know what you want to read about.

5) The Resume Hunter continues to be a popular new feature.  While I originally planned to keep this as a random feature - meaning that we would only dissect unsuspecting victims - I've decided to open up the floor for everyone.  So, if you are interested in having your resume or cover letter publicly evaluated - send it on over.  The goal is not to be mean.  The plan is for all of us to learn from your mistakes - and help you correct them!

6) I realize we've been stuck on episode #70 of the Working Podcast for several weeks.  Rest assured, a new show will be released over the next 10 days - so please subscribe now.  My excuse for not producing weekly shows is that I am working on a brand new podcast - this time - as a contractor for another company.  Stay tuned for details.

That's it for now, friends.  I can't thank you enough for reading, listening and helping spread the word about Jobacle.  We are committed to keeping you in the loop on everything career related - without any bullsh**.  Have a great Friday and an awesome weekend!

 

He got his start laying pipe for the Atlas Water and Sewer company.  Eventually, he climbed the ranks, becoming responsible for a staff of 800 and annual revenue exceeding $120 million. His name is Victor Kipling. This is his weekly column. 

Under the guise of wanting to increase ‘transparency,’ the new organizational trend-setters are touting the benefits of the horizontal work space...that is, the cubicle and (worse yet) the bullpen. So, and from the lowest clerk to the highest CEO, everyone is now expected to march in lock step and function in an open, and thoroughly non-private environment. These theorists would have us believe that the loss of privacy and the increase in noise is indeed a very small price to pay for this more democratic environment. Yes, we’ll not only increase productivity, but we can also foster diversity, eliminate class distinctions, etc. ad nauseam. Of course most of the folks promoting this stuff have never really worked for a living, but why should that get in the way of anything... 

Sure, this system is way more egalitarian than the old hierarchy was.  And if you’re still not convinced, just ask rank and file workers how much they enjoy the heightened visibility and lack of privacy that the bullpen provides them with. What, you mean they’re not on salary par with their bosses? Couple this with executive omnipresence, and, well, they had just better behave and enjoy their Kool Aid. From corporate America, at Apple and IBM, to college campuses and various governmental facilities, the bullpen especially has taken on almost iconic proportions.  Yet, and despite all these praises, there is absolutely nothing of substance to show how the bullpen concept has done anything good for anyone. 

If you think about it, it’s really ironic that the desire for some private space, a little corner of the corporate world that you can call your own, is now considered at best a guilty pleasure. You say that you want to be creative, that you like being alone at least part of the time? Uh oh, you’re defying the new collective wisdom and you may well be branded (oh my god) an individual! 

There was indeed a time when the private office stood for something. Sure, it was always a symbol of authority, but it was also a perk that you could aspire to. A place to think, to plan, to feel like a someone in an anonymous world. Instead, and if you’re lucky, you too can sit literally feet away from your bosses; because after all, sharing is caring, right? 

Don’t be fooled; this new approach is nothing more than the organizations’ way of reinforcing the simple fact that you are indeed just another small cog in a very big wheel, no matter what Newspeak says.

Desk supplies haven't really advanced.  Sure, pens use gel ink.  But dry erase markers still stink.  Chairs have better cushions, yet they still find a way to inevitably squeak.  As the world continues to technologically evolve, is the office being left behind?

Perhaps.  

Off the top of my head, here's a list of items that I pray some engineer is working around the clock to produce.

- Bend-proof paperclips
- Everlasting ink pen
- Odor-free White Out
- Silent Stapler
- Unsmudgable high lighter
- Leak-proof 3-hole puncher
- Tape without seams
- Stain-free computer mouse

Learn more about the history of lo-tech office supplies.

What office supply inventions would you like to see?  Share yours below and win some cool prizes.

If you recently read my Cubicle Laws, you are aware that I do not like anyone to talk to me first thing in the morning.  I need at least 30 minutes at work before I consider my brain "functional."  Part of the reason people are cranky in the morning is because they are still tired, despite sleeping the night before. Exercising in the morning would remedy this, but some of us just can't fathom pound the pavement when it's still dark out.  Here are some ways to wake up your brain - regardless of the time of day.

Avoid Allergens. Certain foods that include peanuts, wheat, corn or dairy can not only cause digestive problems but generate a "brain fog" that will leave you tired and feeling slowed down.  The best way to determine if you're subject to this type of allergies is to simply be aware of what you are eating and how you feel afterwards.  Identify a trend and eliminate the grub from your diet.

Dietary Moderation. When you stuff your face, you will force your body to concentrate on the digestion process. This redirects your blood away from your brain, thus limiting your brain power.  

Vinpocetine. Extracted from the periwinkle plant, this stuff is said to increase cerebral blood flow and improve memory.  There are some side effects and you should consult your physician before you give it a go.

Front Load Antioxidants. Antioxidants protect your cells, including the ones making up your brain. Some dried fruits you should toss into your shopping cart and keep in your desk drawer: prunes, raisins, blueberries, blackberries, cranberries, strawberries and raspberries.

Vitamin C & E.  These will reduce the clogging of blood vessels, including those going in the brain.

Avoid Sugar. The"sugar blues"make it hard to think clearly. This is due to the insulin that rushes into your bloodstream to counteract sweets.  Avoid white pasta, white sugars and white bread before that big work project.

Herbs.  A simple whiff of basil or rosemary could result in a quickie brain boost.

In general, there are plenty of foods that "feed" your brain. Among them:  avocados, bananas, lean beef, brewer's yeast. broccoli, brown rice, brussel sprouts, cantaloupe, cheese, chicken, collard greens, eggs, flaxseed oil, legumes, oatmeal, oranges, peanut butter, peas, potatoes, romaine lettuce, salmon, soybeans, spinach, tuna, turkey, wheat germ, and yogurt.

Now it's your turn!  Share your tactics to wake up your brain!

While you couldn't pay me to drink Bud Light, this commercial is definitely effective. And f'n funny!

Ever have one of those days at work where you dream of ways to get fired and depraved ways to make a splashy exit?

Yesterday was mine.  

One of those days when uneducated underlings overstep their bounds?

One of those days (when people who know better) "accidentally" forward an e-mail to upper management?

One of those days, where as hard as you try, you can't help but hear everyone's phone conversations - and none of them are work related?

Under the fluorescent lights, the devil was raging inside of me and I had to make it stop.  If there ever was a time to lean on my knowledge of Buddhism - this was it.  I've podcasted in the past about The Five Precepts  (download here), and today, I'd like to share how I rely on the power of Zen to slow myself down, keep things in perspective and avoid going postal (joke!).  The key?  Seated Zazen.  Basically, a "light" form of meditation that you can easily get away with at your desk.  The beauty is, nothing is needed.  No incense, candles, beads or bells!  Just you!  The goal is to simply concentrate on what you are doing.  When other thoughts creep in, and they will, just acknowledge them and let them go.  Bring your mind back to the matter at hand.  

Tune out outside noise and just concentrate on your breath.

Here are several things I do to help me bring myself back to center.  Do they always work? No. But most of the time, it's amazing how these little things can make a huge difference.

Walk the Hall.  As soon as I feel myself start to simmer and get really worked up, I get up from my desk and go for a walk.  It doesn't have to be long, and it doesn't matter where I'm heading.  The goal is to measure my breath by my footsteps and establish a rhythm.

Count Breath. Sometimes the task at hand makes it impossible to go for a stroll.  In this instance, you can count breath. Make sure you breathe in deeply through your nose, watching your abdomen rise.  Exhale evenly and count as you go.  Sometimes it only takes three breaths.  Sometimes, 300.

Assigned Time. Achieving equanimity at work is true challenge, and only achievable when you avoid extreme emotions - whether they are good or bad.  One tactic is to set aside time everyday (schedule it in Outlook or on your cell phone) to be mindful.  All you have to do is be aware of what is happening at that moment.  It can be for as little as a minute.  If a co-worker is annoying you, think about how that person is really different not very different from you.  If you have a project that's weighing on your brain, think about its true importance and whom it will be impacting.

Half-Smile. We've already explored the secrets of a fake smile, but a half-smile is 100% real.  Fear not!  It's so slight that no one around you will even notice. The power of curling your lips sends a message of happiness through your body, short-circuiting negative feelings.  Read more on the benefits of smiling.

It's important to note that when many of us get angry at work, it's out instinct to grab the ear of the nearest person and vent.  While this might provide what feels like immediate relief, in reality, all you are doing is rehearsing anger - not reducing it.

We all tend to get angry at work - some more than others.  Heck, that's one of the whole reasons I started Jobacle and the Working Podcast, as a therapeutic outlet for my problems with the whole 9-to-5 concept.  I promise you that by relying on some of the tools above, you'll take the edge off of some tough times at the office.

One final thing you can do to reduce anger is to give yourself a Heart Sutra.  This is a simple statement of love and compassion that you can say to yourself when you start to feel the fire of anger.  It can be as simple as "I love my wife" or "I'm so grateful for my parents."   The statement is yours - so make it something that will let you enjoy a moment of gratitude and enlightenment.

As always, if you have tips on how you stay chill at work, please leave a comment below - and qualify for prizes.

Sketchcast is a new tool that will enhance blogs and give all of you job searchers another way to display your creativity!

While I'm not sure how useful of a product this really is, we took it for a quickie test drive below.

Key features that appear to be missing are the ability to speed up sketches and to add images.

You can also add audio, which I'm going to give a try later. Maybe we'll sketch out the next episode of the Working Podcast - the best free career advice show on the Web! For now, forgive my crappy handwriting!

No one likes to be ignored.  Yet everyone claims to dread the annual ritual of your co-workers acknowledging the fact that you're one year older - which means another year gone by with a  measly 3% raise.

I was recently interviewed by the fine folks at the Globe and Mail about office birthdays.  While fresh in my mind, here are the variations I've experienced.  Please share your experiences in the comments section below and you could win our comments contest.

Individual
The folder goes around.  Everyone signs your card and chips in $3 - $5.

Pros: You get to feel special.

Cons: The spotlight is on you, meaning 20 forced minutes of age-related jokes and fielding generic questions.

Notes: The problem with this model are months like April, when it appears everyone was born!

Once a Month
Simple.  Everyone's birthday for the particular month is celebrated at once.  

Pros: Many birds, one stone.  Variety of cakes.

Cons: Where's the love? Gives new meaning to being nothing but a number.  Super sugar shock.

Notes: Makes the occasion an "event," putting extra focus on you if you call in sick or happen to go "missing."

YOU Make Something

Pros: Less guilt about people catering to you. Could poison entire office.

Cons: Pressure to make something that won't suck or get the office sick.

Notes: This model is apparently popular in Holland. Hutspot, anyone?

Banned Birthdays

Pros: Higher productivity, less awkwardness.  Control your caloric intake.

Cons: Pressure to celebrate outside of work.

Notes: This is a growing trend.  The Jobacle crew is not sure where we stand at this point.

Final thoughts.  There appears to be one consistent with office birthdays, and that's the fact that hard-working cube dwellers always pay for these affairs.  God forbid someone utter the words petty cash.

Please share your thoughts on office birthdays below. I'm particularly interested to hear from our international friends. Extra points for the person who can answer this age old question:  How long do you have to awkwardly stand around talking once you've finished your cake?

A little inspiration never hurt anyone, right?  Follow your heart and don't let "no" get in your way...

Sigmund Freud was booed from the podium when he first presented his ideas to the scientific community of Europe. He returned to his office and kept on writing.

Winston Churchill failed sixth grade. He was subsequently defeated in every election for public office until he became Prime Minister at the age of 62. He later wrote, "Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never, Never, Never, Never give up." (his capitals, mind you)

Charles Darwin gave up a medical career and was told by his father, "You care for nothing but shooting, dogs and rat catching." In his autobiography, Darwin wrote, "I was considered by all my masters and my father, a very ordinary boy, rather below the common standard of intellect." Clearly, he evolved.

Thomas Edison's teachers said he was "too stupid to learn anything." He was fired from his first two jobs for being "non-productive." As an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. When a reporter asked, "How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?" Edison replied, "I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps."

Albert Einstein did not speak until he was 4-years-old and did not read until he was 7. His parents thought he was "sub-normal," and one of his teachers described him as "mentally slow, unsociable, and adrift forever in foolish dreams." He was expelled from school and was refused admittance to the Zurich Polytechnic School. He did eventually learn to speak and read. Even to do a little math.

Louis Pasteur was only a mediocre pupil in undergraduate studies and ranked 15th out of 22 students in chemistry.

R. H. Macy failed seven times before his store in New York City caught on.

F. W. Woolworth was not allowed to wait on customers when he worked in a dry goods store because, his boss said, "he didn't have enough sense."

When Bell telephone was struggling to get started, its owners offered all their rights to Western Union for $100,000. The offer was disdainfully rejected with the pronouncement, "What use could this company make of an electrical toy."

An expert said of Vince Lombardi: "He possesses minimal football knowledge and lacks motivation." Lombardi would later write, "It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get back up."

Michael Jordan and Bob Cousy were each cut from their high school basketball teams. Jordan once observed, "I've failed over and over again in my life. That is why I succeed."

Babe Ruth is famous for his past home run record, but for decades he also held the record for strikeouts. He hit 714 home runs and struck out 1,330 times in his career (about which he said, "Every strike brings me closer to the next home run."). And didn't Mark McGwire break that strikeout record? (John Wooden once explained that winners make the most errors.)

Hank Aaron went 0 for 5 his first time at bat with the Milwaukee Braves.

Stan Smith was rejected as a ball boy for a Davis Cup tennis match because he was "too awkward and clumsy." He went on to clumsily win Wimbledon and the U. S. Open. And eight Davis Cups.

Johnny Unitas's first pass in the NFL was intercepted and returned for a touchdown. Joe Montana's first pass was also intercepted. And while we're on quarterbacks, during his first season Troy Aikman threw twice as many interceptions (18) as touchdowns (9) . . . oh, and he didn't win a single game. You think there's a lesson here?

After Carl Lewis won the gold medal for the long jump in the 1996 Olympic games, he was asked to what he attributed his longevity, having competed for almost 20 years. He said, "Remembering that you have both wins and losses along the way. I don't take either one too seriously."

Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor because "he lacked imagination and had no good ideas." He went bankrupt several times before he built Disneyland. In fact, the proposed park was rejected by the city of Anaheim on the grounds that it would only attract riffraff.

Charles Schultz had every cartoon he submitted rejected by his high school yearbook staff. Oh, and Walt Disney wouldn't hire him.

When Lucille Ball began studying to be actress in 1927, she was told by the head instructor of the John Murray Anderson Drama School, "Try any other profession."

The first time Jerry Seinfeld walked on-stage at a comedy club as a professional comic, he looked out at the audience, froze, and forgot the English language. He stumbled through "a minute-and a half" of material and was jeered offstage. He returned the following night and closed his set to wild applause.

Charlie Chaplin was initially rejected by Hollywood studio chiefs because his pantomime was considered "nonsense."

Beethoven handled the violin awkwardly and preferred playing his own compositions instead of improving his technique. His teacher called him "hopeless as a composer." And, of course, you know that he wrote five of his greatest symphonies while completely deaf.

Van Gogh sold only one painting during his life. And this to the sister of one of his friends for 400 francs (approximately $50). This didn't stop him from completing over 800 paintings.

Leo Tolstoy flunked out of college. He was described as both "unable and unwilling to learn." No doubt a slow developer.

Emily Dickinson had only seven poems published in her lifetime.

27 publishers rejected Dr. Seuss's first book, To Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street.

Jack London received six hundred rejection slips before he sold his first story.

Keep on truckin'!