More Sex and the City than Head of the Class, many of today’s teachers are just like you and me: potty-mouthed servants living paycheck to paycheck, suffering from the Sunday Night Blues.
As a kid, teachers were in a league of their own. They existed only to teach. I never pictured them heading home, cooking dinner, paying bills, and so on. While none of these are major revelations, it’s a good time to remind you about the truth surrounding one…
>They curse. No big surprise here. But did you know that many of them curse about the children.
F’n bastards,’ ‘little prick,’ as*hole,’ etc.
No word is too vulgar to describe the misgivings of students. You might think your child is not applicable. Think again.
>They have sex. Some even with each other. Of course there’s the
occasional headline-grabbing sexually depraved animal that takes advantage of children. No. I’m talking about full-on consensual, legal, legitimate sex. Some like it sideways. Others upside down. You might never know their preferences, but rest assured, they have them
>They have families. As kids, we never really pictured our teachers having significant others, let alone parents and crazy aunts and uncles. In fact, there’s a good chance that their family is even more f’d up than yours.
>They have no passion. Like any profession, you have those who are true champions of the cause and others who are nothing more than dead weight. In my personal experience, I’ve heard more teachers counting down to retirement and vacation days, than folks from any other profession.
>They abuse kids. Back when I was in school, teachers never hit students (This might not be the case for our Catholic school friends). But these days, I’m always hearing (third-hand, of course) about stories of kids getting their mouths taped shut, getting verbally berated, and even left alone in dark, cold classrooms.
>They talk. A LOT. I remember once in fifth grade the little red phone, locked behind a wooden door, rang.
‘Ooooooooooooooh,’ everyone chorused.
If the classroom phone rang, someone HAD to be in trouble. These days, it’s apparently unlimited minutes for America’s teaching professionals. From gossip to weekend plans, classroom-to-classroom phones are in use all of the time while class is in session.
>They play favorites. It was foolish to once think that teachers were above the law when it came to being small-minded, judgmental, and, well, flat out racist. Teachers with certain backgrounds will go out of there way for kids of the same ilk.
>No one gets left back. If your kid is held over, put your ego in check, and take it seriously. Principals, superintendents and other school administrators have no desire (or motive) to keep your kid from advancing. In fact, their are usually mandates against it. The same way it’s become increasingly difficult to fire an employee, it’s hard to leave a child behind.
>They avoid you. Teachers and school workers will rearrange vacations, change restaurant plans and drive three towns away to shop in order to avoid you and your parents. Understandable. Just don’t forget, if you do bump into a teacher ‘off campus,’ they have no interest in talking to you. Keep it short.
>They are not underpaid. Jesus. If we paid cops, firemen and teachers what they’re ‘worth,’ there would be no money left for the rest of us. I respect the fact that they are shaping and molding the future, but when you break it down by the hour, and factor in extended periods off, they are doing AOK. In fact, at about 30 years old, two married teachers can expect to earn $150,000 annually. Maybe they should use some of that time off to tutor to ‘make ends meet.’ (I can only speak from a NYC perspective, with an understanding that there are portions of the country that grossly under pay, not just teachers, but just about all civil servants).
>They fight. Maybe not in the slicked-back-hair-earrings-out-vaseline -on-face fashion, but they brawl regularly over petty crap. For instance, did you know that the majority of teacher fights occur over bulletin boards? Yup. Competition is fierce in the halls of academia. Too many stickers, too much glitter and too many A-plus students are bound to have educators rumble.
Teachers can be saints or devils. Just don’t look away for too long. They just might steal the book club money.