With the emergence of text messaging and e-mails, normal human interaction is on the decline. Texting in particular, has replaced regular telephone conversation, and we no longer have to worry about ad-lib mistakes in dialogue. In fact, we can edit and re-edit everything we wish to convey, so we appear cleverer, funnier, and more literate than we may actually be. So why not use this exuberant gift from the Gods for a higher purpose? Why not use it to text in sick to work?
(Editor’s note: Proceed with caution. If you need a reminder of the dangers of texting in sick, click here.)
Below is a tried and tested way to text in sick to work. I know it works, because I use it. I use it all the time. In fact, I’m using it right now which is why I’m sitting on my firm ass writing this beautiful piece of slightly arousing art. Oh my God, did I just say that? It’s a pity my delete button is broke, otherwise, I’d use it. Anyway, here’s how it works.
The Day Before
When you are in work the day before you plan to text in sick, you must drop some hints to your boss and colleagues that suggest you may not be feeling 100%. Let everyone know that you are feeling tired, feverish, and extremely weak. If you can actually leave work early then you are on the path to freedom already my delicious-young-job-raging-warrior. Note that most of the time you will not be allowed to leave early, but you have already put in the necessary groundwork for your sick day.
The Pre-Sick Text
Before you go to bed that night, prepare a text. You will send this text message about three hours before you are due to arrive into work. This gives the impression that you have been awake all night. It also shows your boss that you are thinking about work, which suggests you are a concerned employee. Also, this text will not actually say you won’t be in. All we are doing here is suggesting that you MAY not be in. So when you do text in sick later, the boss will not be that surprised. Also, do not worry about getting up early in the morning to send the text, as most telephone providers will have some sort of web-based text you can schedule, which will be sent from your number. The text should be short and simple. Something like, ‘Hi, I’ve been up all night vomiting, I’m going to try to go to sleep now and I will let you know how I feel later.’
The Sick Text
After you have sent your pre-sick text, you must then send the sick text which will tell your boss that you won’t be in. You should send this text about 10-15 minutes after the expected time of your arrival. This will also help, because again the boss will not be surprised when he receives the news. All of these hidden suggestions will allow the boss to get used to fact that you may not be in. We continually expose him to the suggestion of you calling in sick, so when we do it he will be de-conditioned to it (his emotional response will not be as strong). The text message should be to the point. Say you will not be in, as you are feeling terrible. You have been up for most of the night. At the end, you should say you will call later in the day to let him know how you are feeling (which of course you will not). At the very end of the text, you should try to add in some humor. Humor is a good way of disguising dishonesty. But remember, the message must be as short as possible. People who lie always give away unnecessary information, and say too much.
Points to note:
The best day to text in sick is a Friday. The reason for this is because your boss will more than likely be happier on a Friday. Also, he has the weekend to forget that you text in sick. On a scale of time versus emotion, emotion associated with an event becomes weaker as time progresses. So even if he is pissed off, he will be less pissed off if two days have elapsed in between. If he asks you on Monday, why you only “text” in sick, tell him that you were just feeling so ill that you couldn’t call. Then distract him from this question, by telling him that you still feel terrible, but you simply could not stay at home for another day, because you were so bored and just want to get back to work. You can probably get away with doing this once every 6-8 weeks, depending on how the first one goes.
Now go, be free, run naked through the lush meadows, go surfing in the deep blue sea, climb a tree, or get drunk with friends whilst cliff diving, but please do not go back to bed. You have a day off. Use it wisely my friend, for tomorrow we die.